The thing about this whole marriage situation is, I have just never had time to focus on it coz either I was doing my MBA and adjusting to life in the US, then adjusting to life in Dubai and for three years adjusting to life in Sweden (excuses, excuses).
I was close to getting married once in the US to my ex Nicholas C. who was a great American guy, but he got a job in a different city and that kind of ended our relationship.
In most countries, the need to marry someone just to make sure you are married is not intense at all. No one bothers you about your marital status, your age or when you will have a family.
Being an unmarried woman in Kenya who is above 27 years is akin to a serious crime that will take you to the International Criminal Court.
So here I was, being OK about being me and going about my business then as luck would have it, I found myself in Kenya.
And the ‘water boarding marriage questions’ start.
“What, you are not married? You do not have children? You are not worthy to breathe our air; if I was you I would just commit suicide.”
And you hear it from everyone….I MEAN EVERYONE….my poor mother who already has hypertension, just wants her daughter to be on some wedding show on Kenyan TV. And she prays about it at 3 am every night.
Apparently God is awake at 3 am. Meanwhile the main hypertension inducing unmarried culprit is asleep.
My mom is so desperate for me (no scratch that I’m a lost cause) for someone in our family to be on the wedding show she will actually finance it herself and then she will be worthy to be called a woman in Kenya. She will be a mother of the bride, groom, whatever. Poor mom.
After my mum, my aunties line me up before the marriage firing squad committee and fire away.
“Do you know how old you are?”
“Do you have to be so picky?”
My mum’s favorite line is “What do you do to upset your suitors?”
Then one day my twenty something year old cousin asked me what my plan to get married was.
She said “Do you know what S.M.A.R.T. goals are?”
Obviously I do. “Well have you made S.M.A.R.T goals that will ensure you find this man?”
As in this girl wanted me to have a PowerPoint presentation on how I will get married then write a thesis. Because if you are not married in Kenya you are unworthy to be living: you should just pull your own plug.
Basically, if Malala Yousafzai came to Kenya at 25 and became 40 before someone married her, she would be unworthy of living. And you know Malala has gone through things I can’t go through all because she wants girls to go to school.
So after looking for a job till kingdom come, the marriage questions start….I crack. And find a way out of Kenya. Prison Break.
Because seriously, it’s not that serious. For me to write a thesis…are you kidding me? Me getting married does not warrant a thesis, a S.M.A.R.T goal or plan or a PowerPoint presentation.
It is all good.
And who said a woman is only worth to be a woman if she is married. I think this train of thought is so archaic. The Bible does not say that if you die unwed then you will come back as a mosquito.
I do want to get married and have a big wedding and the whole thing but seriously, if you do not see my value, I’m not going to insist.
God’s role in this whole thing.
Nowhere in the Bible does your age affect God.
In Psalms 84:11 it says: For the Lord God is a sun and shield ; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does He withhold from those who love Him.
God does not lie; it is not in his nature so when he says NO GOOD THING…that also includes a wedding for me and a good man who loves me. I’m not cut off from that promise because I am 32 he he he .
I don’t think God is twiddling his thumbs wondering what he will do to find me a husband. I’m not an unsolvable case to God. I think I will get married………..
But in case it does not happen…..
I’ve come up with my plan O..
If in the whole time I’m walking on earth, no one sees my value, I will think of a way to be Oprah’s friend. Some way. I have seen all ways you can get to be on Oprahs’ couch and I will master one of them.
When I meet Oprah, she’ll see how nice I am and I’ll tell her “Oprah I just have one issue; could you please find a man to marry me. And we can even have the wedding on TV. On OWN.”
He has to be a Christian who really LOVES Jesus…and not just say it and not walk the walk, extremely intelligent so he challenges me, someone passionate about something and just excellent in all the things he does. This will be a fun project for Oprah.
And the first man she may link me up with is Tyler Perry. So imagine if all this time I have been single has been so that I can marry Tyler Perry.
At the point you marry Tyler Perry is the point you know God is good and His thoughts are not our thoughts.
So when I am MRS. Tyler Perry, shudder.
I’ll be like “Tyler, let’s do Madea Goes To Kenya.” And boom it will make us a trillion dollars.
I’ll write story-lines out of these world for Tyler and boom,boom,boom they will make money for us on TV, on movies whatever.
Then Tyler will ask me,”Is there something that you would like to do …your own project?”
And I will say “Yes, I want to be on the Real Housewives franchise.” So we’ll make our own real housewife show called Real Housewife of Tyler Perry or just plain Mrs. Tyler Perry.
And I’ll go visit Yolanda Foster and ask her to groom me to become a trophy wife. (Yolanda is the classiest houwewife hands down …I adore this franchise …..can Andy Cohen give me a job) … I mean Tyler Perry is used to seeing beautiful women…so Oprah needs to fix my hair and get me veneeers and fake eyelashes and get a fan to blow air in my hair.
I will be a nice trophy wife though, just giving people hugs and inviting people to come tell me who was been mean to them. And I’ll tell them, “Is there anything you want me to do about it?”
And I’ll write a book about them he he he or send them a mean letter.
But I do want a spa in my house like Adriene Maloof. And I’ll invite women in need to the spa.
Gosh we have to live in a whole state coz that will upset the neighbors’.
And I’ll be like “Tyler, darling can we afford a state so I stop annoying my neighbors?”
And he’ll say, “Maybe a town.”
And I will be like “Tyler, do we have to write a new show to get the money?” and he’ll be like “No baby, we are good.”